Thursday, February 10, 2011

Hard Choices

I am far from perfect. I struggle with keeping a consistent life vision in my head, and I have an all or nothing type personality which means I'm often riding high on a new project or crashing and burning with an old one.

Last night I crashed and burned. Strung out from way too much computer time, facing several months of work that simply can't be done any faster but must be done before I take on new projects which are beckoning me, I fell into a fit of the I wants.

The litany basically goes like this: I want to move back to California. I want to travel the world. I want to be a homemaker but also have an endless supply of money. I want to be thin. I want to be beautiful. I want to be successful. I want it all right now.

At times like these it's hard to remember why I made each choice I made along the road. It's hard to viscerally recall how much I hated working 60 hour weeks and had no time for my own children. That's why I left California and moved north. It's hard to remember how much I wanted to use my particular skills and brainpower. That's why I started my own company. It's hard to remember that I was the one who said I had to publish 65 books last year. That's why I gained ten pounds.

I can make new decisions. In fact, I'm suffering today because I am making a decision over and over again: I am choosing to edit audio for far more hours than is comfortable for my body because I want to get it done and have it all squared away before I take on the new projects that beckon me. I could choose differently - I could do a little each day.

I keep telling myself that in the future I will make good, sane choices that will allow me to have a lot more fun in my life. I tell myself, Work hard now while it's cold and snowy so I can play when it's sunny in a few months. It's a valid choice as long as I keep remembering I'm the one making it - no one is imposing it on me.

No comments: