Wednesday, August 20, 2008

When the Doldroms Slip In

I've been struggling a bit for the past twenty-four hours. Basically, I'm just bogged down by all the stuff! I pictured myself blowing through the house and cleaning it all out in a week, but that's not looking too realistic right now.

And then what? Clearing out the junk is only a small part of halving. I still need to sell my house (and I have mixed feelings about that). I also need to tackle my bills. That's going to take a whole lot of innovation and teamwork, and I haven't even informed my "team" that we're doing this.

Why?

Well, because the end goal is really my goal. I want to live in a cottage by the sea. I want to return to where life is sunny and beautiful. (And expensive). That's my dream. And my husband, well.....it's kind of his dream. Sort of.

We both like the idea of an interesting life - small, portable, wacky. Preferably with interesting architecture. But where I'd probably throw caution to the wind and move to Arizona right now and build a straw bale house, dh tends to think of things like retirement. College. Braces.

Of course, the irony is that he used to want the simpler life and I was the one demanding college and braces. We're just out of sync.

I'm trying to show my husband that I'm ready now. That I can give up my things if that's what it takes to live an interesting, exciting life. I've also gone from thinking we have to pay 100% of our kids' college education to thinking we can play a reasonably supportive role but leave it mostly to them.

I'm still adamant about braces.

I promised at the beginning to tell it like it is, and it's like this: neither my husband or I are perfect. We're getting a little older, a little wiser and a littler more scared, too. This oppresses me. In fact, it makes me want to cry in frustration. If I'd been ready for the simple life 10 years ago we might not have left California. Did my chance pass me by? Can I not ever just get life right?

And I'm kicking myself, because I know this is the good part, too - with all its stuff and kids and school and dentist appointments and stupid, boring middle-classishness. This is the really good part, and now I'm whining my way through it. Aaaarrrgh.

Back to work. I believe in this. Whether I stay or go makes no difference. Halving will free up time and energy for life, itself, wherever I am.

2 comments:

Lisa said...

same here right now.

Reading, checking in, and thanks for the nudge.

there's something pushing me to downsize.....reaching for some dreams too.

tired of stuff taking time away.
or is it the stuff and how it makes me feel.
Regardless....I'm working on my clothes tonight.

Will check back in.
Thanks for this.
Lisa

Stacy said...

Great post! Thinking about and longing for the simple life is what motivates me. Just take this project one day at a time and take baby steps. A little each day will help you reach your goal...At least that's what I keep telling myself...And today I didn't do any decluttering at all, so I was a bit disappointed in myself, but I think two days in a row of decluttering like crazy got to me somehow...Ya' know...Burn out. Babysteps is the key!
Stacy :-)